Introduction

I'm new to all of this, the Internet and blogging, and so forth, but being resented, cast out, being called a heretic, rebellious, bitter, insane, and even demon possessed, those I am quite familiar with, for many, many years...and I am 51. I was "born again", "saved", "accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior", as many refer to it, at the age of 18, however, it took me many years to be able to say aloud, "I think Jesus wants a personal, living speaking to and hearing from relationship with me, whether I am being good or bad." No one heard that. Something was very wrong with me. I couldn't figure it out. Why didn't I see the bible as others did, why did I have dreams that told me things, why did I hears voices, most of them strongly resounding in the center of my mind, others, a couple times, out loud, like someone was there talking to me, but there was no one there, that I could see anyway. Why did I feel that it was more important to help people, without judgement than put money in the collection plate so we could purchase a bigger, greater building like the church next door? Why did I believe that every person in the church should be invited over to share dinner, to be welcomed, to "be family"? Why did God speak to me about who was hungry, who needed prayer, who needed healing? Why did the pastor laugh at me, why did people talk about me, reject me and many times, openly tell me how much they hated me? Why did one pastor say, "Why would God use someone like you instead of someone like me?" Why couldn't I answer him? He, like so many was right. I was nobody. I came from a very abusive childhood, I left home to escape the abuse, did drugs, prostituted, screwed up all the time, was rejected by my family, only had friends that used me and was no one that anyone would look at and say...Wow, here is an instrument of God! And because of some terrible things that Christians did to me, I even screamed out at God, don't speak to me anymore! I don't want you! But, unlike the many Christians I knew and so called friends and family, He is the only one who didn't give up, and He never did stop speaking to me...or saving my life on various occasions. So here I am 30 years later still questioning the status quo, but with less concern about how people perceive me or how accepted...or rather how not accepted I am. So, my name is Mary Ann, I believe...even for a lowly woman...I have some insight to share...whether accepted or not, believed or not. I have always told those I have spoken to to go to the word, go to God, pray, check it out, pray for discernment, God WILL give it. I don't even expect anyone to listen, God showed me a long time ago, I did not save anyone, I did not die on the cross for anyones sin, so I have no power to change anyone's life, I couldn't even change my own. It wasn't until I admitted this and quit, did God take over and miraculously change the sin that so beset me, and some, no matter how hard I pray or try, I still struggle with. (I've been told it's okay...I could become very proud about my accomplishments...hah...it would take a heck of alot of them for me to ever feel great about myself, but anyway), God is the only one who can change a person, and we each have different time tables, different struggles, and different hurts that Jesus is working on so who am I to judge anothers journey...right? Well, that's it for now, hope to be back on soon...thanks, in Him.